Did Your Best Friend Ever Fail You?

Everyone wants to have a best friend. Best friend that existed like in the movie. The one that you can share everything with, the one that always be there for you. Yet, unfortunately, having a best friend is like having a partner of life. Choosing one is like choosing someone you will make a vow to. Well, because it simply takes two to tango!

It just feels so bad when someone who you thought to be your best friend, does not feel the same way about you. Then how you define what best friend is? To me, best friend means when I killed someone, (s)he will be helping me dragging the corpse and bury it. Well yea, that was Christina Yang's definition from Grey's Anatomy, but I do mean it.

Or how can you know that you are important to her/him if (s)he never says it? When all (s)he did was asking you what the benefits (s)he gets from you? Seriously, how stupid were you to let yourself have a best friend who is asking the benefits (s)he gets from being your friend? Even more, if what you said just sorry because you let her/him down. You said you're sorry because you're afraid to lose her/him, right?

Because no matter how hurt you are, you will just shut your mouth and keep it to yourself. No, it's not like you don't want to tell your best friend that you're mad, that you're disappointed with her/him, that they doesn't match your expectation, or that (s)he hurts you. But it's because you're afraid. How if (s)he never consider you as her/his best friend? Doesn't it mean you have too high of expectations? On the other hand, your head keep telling you that you're always the one whose there for her/him. You're the first person (s)he turned to when (s)he got no one. Or is it because nobody's there? Is that means that you're actually her/him last pick? So, what's actually wrong with your expectations? You just can't help it, right? People expect all the time. People expect you to do things. People have high expectations on you but you're not allowed to expect back. Is it even fair? Or maybe you're the one who expect too much?

You know what's more pathetic than that? When you turn to your other (who you thought your) best friend and just being all that gloomy and sad because you have no one left to be there for you, which you expect (s)he will reply you that you have her/him, but (s)he just ask you to be patient. It feels like you're telling someone that you love him and he said thank you.

But then you know that you can't hate her/him, because you love her/him. You can't leave her/him as at some points, when (s)he sober, when you're together, when (s)he's 'on' playing those besties thing with you, inauspiciously, (s)he is the best best friend you could possibly ask for in the world. And all you wish for is that time will stop so you could have that moment forever. Or (s)he will stay that way forever, so you could have your best friend. Yet you never know how (s)he exactly feels about you. What you can do is just assuming that (s)he might just considered you as an ordinary friend because (s)he literally rarely be there for you. So, sometimes you wish life would be easier on you. To make you be more ignorant, be more selfish, be a 'NO' person, to think logically instead of emotionally, and to turn off all your feelings.

But you do not always got what you wanted, right? And yap. Ouch that hurts.

I am thinking that you know (s)he take you for granted too, right? You also know that you actually get to decide who stays and goes in your life, right? But at the end, you're still okay. You'll let them hurt you again and still always be there for her/him. That today was just your bad day. That you lost your self control. That you just feeling sad and you will forgive her/him. Again. And again. And again. Till what you can feel is numbness. Right?

I thought so.