Quick update of what I found and I thought it is so true and lovely.

It is a marriage story from POP CHASSID (http://popchassid.com/didnt-love-wife/) who is sharing his perspective about love. :)




I’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap. I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date. I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly.

I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird. I still remember her reaction. She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile.  Then she nodded and looked off into the sky. I wasn’t heartbroken by the response.  I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me. But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t. 

Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time.  After two months of dating, we were engaged.  Three months after that, we were married. And that whole time I was swooning.  This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love. But then we got married, and everything changed. Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion. 

I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder. I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account? How can you feel it when you get into an argument? How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you’re done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket? There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives. 

And at first, it drove me nuts.  That emotion meant love!  That excitement was how I knew I cared for her!  But suddenly, life was this grind.  Even when I was with her.  Especially when I was with her. And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated. But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times. Like, when I offered to do the dishes.  Or make dinner after she had a hard day.  Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her. I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while. 

It just kept happening. But I think it had an effect on me.  Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more. And after each time, there would be this look she would give me.  This look of absolute love.  One that was soft and so beautiful. It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening. But eventually it became clear. 

Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about.  It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving. In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for. And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey. 

And now, as I’m a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, I’ve finally come to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable. I didn’t love my wife on that second date. I didn’t love her when we got engaged. I didn’t even love her when we got married. Because love isn’t an emotion. That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire.  From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry.  But it wasn’t love. 

No, love isn’t an emotion or even a noun.  It’s a verb. Better defined as giving.  As putting someone else’s needs above your own. Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married?  Because it wasn’t for her.  It was for me.  An emotion I had in my chest. And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasn’t love. Being sappy isn’t love.  Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do. And that’s why my wife just gave me that half-smile.  She knew, even if I didn’t, what love really is. And now that I’ve tried to change the way I look at love, the more I become shocked at the messages of love I had gotten when I was younger. 

From Disney movies to my favorite shows like “The Office” to practically every pop song released, love is constantly sold as an emotion we have before we’re married.  An emotion that, once had, somehow magically stays within a marriage forever. I can’t imagine a bigger lie.  And I’m saddened to think about how much those messages bounced around in my head for so long.  And how much I’m sure those messages are bouncing around in other people’s heads as well. I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country.  Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating.  

A country of people trying to live a Disney movie. That’s a recipe for disastrous marriages; for a country with a 50% divorce rate;  for adultery (the classic attempt to turn the fire back on); for people who do stay together to simply live functional, loveless marriages. It’s sad to see just how common all the above is.  How many people are in pain simply because they’ve been lied to. 

Those people deserve better.  We all deserve better. It’s time that we changed the conversation about love.  It’s time that we redefine it. Because until we do, adultery will continue to be common.  Loveless marriages.  Divorce. Living Disney movies in our minds, and tragedies in our lives.

Everyone wants to have a best friend. Best friend that existed like in the movie. The one that you can share everything with, the one that always be there for you. Yet, unfortunately, having a best friend is like having a partner of life. Choosing one is like choosing someone you will make a vow to. Well, because it simply takes two to tango!

It just feels so bad when someone who you thought to be your best friend, does not feel the same way about you. Then how you define what best friend is? To me, best friend means when I killed someone, (s)he will be helping me dragging the corpse and bury it. Well yea, that was Christina Yang's definition from Grey's Anatomy, but I do mean it.

Or how can you know that you are important to her/him if (s)he never says it? When all (s)he did was asking you what the benefits (s)he gets from you? Seriously, how stupid were you to let yourself have a best friend who is asking the benefits (s)he gets from being your friend? Even more, if what you said just sorry because you let her/him down. You said you're sorry because you're afraid to lose her/him, right?

Because no matter how hurt you are, you will just shut your mouth and keep it to yourself. No, it's not like you don't want to tell your best friend that you're mad, that you're disappointed with her/him, that they doesn't match your expectation, or that (s)he hurts you. But it's because you're afraid. How if (s)he never consider you as her/his best friend? Doesn't it mean you have too high of expectations? On the other hand, your head keep telling you that you're always the one whose there for her/him. You're the first person (s)he turned to when (s)he got no one. Or is it because nobody's there? Is that means that you're actually her/him last pick? So, what's actually wrong with your expectations? You just can't help it, right? People expect all the time. People expect you to do things. People have high expectations on you but you're not allowed to expect back. Is it even fair? Or maybe you're the one who expect too much?

You know what's more pathetic than that? When you turn to your other (who you thought your) best friend and just being all that gloomy and sad because you have no one left to be there for you, which you expect (s)he will reply you that you have her/him, but (s)he just ask you to be patient. It feels like you're telling someone that you love him and he said thank you.

But then you know that you can't hate her/him, because you love her/him. You can't leave her/him as at some points, when (s)he sober, when you're together, when (s)he's 'on' playing those besties thing with you, inauspiciously, (s)he is the best best friend you could possibly ask for in the world. And all you wish for is that time will stop so you could have that moment forever. Or (s)he will stay that way forever, so you could have your best friend. Yet you never know how (s)he exactly feels about you. What you can do is just assuming that (s)he might just considered you as an ordinary friend because (s)he literally rarely be there for you. So, sometimes you wish life would be easier on you. To make you be more ignorant, be more selfish, be a 'NO' person, to think logically instead of emotionally, and to turn off all your feelings.

But you do not always got what you wanted, right? And yap. Ouch that hurts.

I am thinking that you know (s)he take you for granted too, right? You also know that you actually get to decide who stays and goes in your life, right? But at the end, you're still okay. You'll let them hurt you again and still always be there for her/him. That today was just your bad day. That you lost your self control. That you just feeling sad and you will forgive her/him. Again. And again. And again. Till what you can feel is numbness. Right?

I thought so.

Read the story.
There's no right or wrong decisions to make for this case.
It is just a story to open our eyes and mind of something we might never think of before.

A group of children were playing near two railways track, one still in use while the other is disused. Only one child played on the disused track, the rest played on the operational track. The train came and you were just beside the train interchange. You could make the train change its course and saved most of the kids. However that also mean the lone child playing by the disused track would be sacrificed. Or would you let the train go its way? 

Think a while.. and let's see how our heart make a decision.

Most people might choose to divert the course of the train and sacrifice only one child. To save most of the children at the expense of only one child was a rational decision most people would make morally and emotionally.

But have you ever thought that child choosing to play on the disused track had in fact made the right decision to play at a safe place? Nevertheless, he had to be sacrificed because of his ignorant friends who chose to play where the danger was.

This kind of dilemma happens around us everyday, in the office, community, in politics,and especially in a democratic society, the minority is often sacrificed for the interest of the majority, no matter how foolish or ignorant the majority are, and how far sighted and knowledgeable the minority are.

The child who chose not to play with the rest on the operational track was sidelined, and in the case, he was sacrificed, no one would shed a tear for him. To make the proper decision is not to try to change the course of the train because the kids playing on the operational track should have known very well that track was still in use, and that they should have ran away if they heard the train's sirens.

If the train was diverted, that lone child would definitely die because he never thought that the train could come over that track. Moreover, the track was not in used probably because it was not safe. If the train was diverted, then we could put the lives of all passengers on board at stake. And in your attempt to save a few kids by sacrificing one child, you might end up sacrificing hundreds of people.

While we are aware that life is full of tough decisions that need to be made, we may not realize that hasty decisions may not always be the right one.

"Remember that what is right isn't always popular, and what is popular isn't always right."


Have a great weekend everyone. :)

I miss home.

I miss you.

Bad.

Few days ago I contribute an article on Dandelions Daily. It's an online magazine to be that is run by my friend. I write piece of my thought of a statement which I usually heard most people said it. I hope you like it. :)

Selidik punya selidik, akar dari permasalahan ini adalah as people grow up, they love to COMPLICATE things. Mau kita akui atau tidak, seiring bertambahnya usia, semua hal yang kita alami terasa lebih rumit dari sebelumnya. We mixed our wisdom or ability to think with our feeling. All the what if makes everything becomes difficult and it deter our eagerness to develop. As a concenquences, banyak elemen yang kita miliki dari kecil itu hilang karena kita sudah ngga percaya lagi kita bisa melakukan hal-hal yang kita anggap ngga mungkin, bahwaimpossible, is impossible. Karena ketidak percayaan diri, drama sikut kanan kiri atau backstabber jadi exists. Karena bosan dengan rutinitas dan merasa ngga bisa achieved higher lagi, we blame the world. Dan hanya karena kita ngga benar-benar mau ngelakuin hal yang kita mau, kita merasa bahwa kita ngga bisa ngelakuin itu.